Grades Gazette: Panther NFL Team

October 9, 2014

Offensive Line

Starting Quarterback

Matthew Gurney

As general manager I need to give my offensive co-ordinator versatility and options. This is why we’ll be starting Gurney as quarterback as he’s fast, tall and has good arm strength allowing us to run dual threat plays.

Most importantly his monster ego (generally unhealthy) is an asset in the NFL.

Note: There are concerns whether the helmet will fit his head

Backup Quarterback 

Dave Prowse

Jnr is a prototypical pocket passer and is on standby when Gurney fails. He’s probably a better passing option but lacks the ego  exhibited by Gurney.

Running Back

Brenton Davies

Like AFL there is a position for every shape and size. The running back is typically a shorter meat axe type of a bloke. Brenton clearly fits this profile and has an unhealthy  addiction to muscle building “supplements” which means his transition to the NFL will be seamless.


Generally your tightend is your better athletes, need to be strong, quick and taller the better. Shapes would be a prototypical tightend (also tight ass) however his new diet as a professional triathlete has been likened to that of a bulimic teenage girl

Shane Saville

No more talented sportsmen at the club then Savs. He’s the ultimate closer

Doug Potts

More of a project player and will be used as a decoy. He will very likely blow up after 4-5 plays much like his cricket.

Wide Receivers

This position is where your most talented plays live. However they have a few characteristics namely being materialistic and not liking to get dirty.

Adam Williams

Few have the timing and talent of this man.  So on field he meets the criteria and off field is up to date with all the fashions and trends (see his hipster beard)

Chris Brabender

Also fits the materialistic criteria, along with not liking to get dirty…. The man conditions his hair for god sakes!

Stephen Green

If you ever watch a wide receiver you’ll note one of their techniques to break the tag is to take tiny little steps so the CB doesn’t know which way they’ll go. Stephen has this technique mastered from years of bolwing

Slot Receiver

Dale Rogers

The slot receiver is typically a quick slight guy that cuts through a defence with speed. My only concern  is that slot receivers are the least durable players due to their build and frequently getting crushed by blokes twice their size. Boosh is about to play his 500th so might be a little too durable.

Offensive Line

These guys are meant to protect the QB and open the field for the RB and WR so generally are big boys

David “Cannons” Speed

This monster of a man spends most of his life on the “Blind Side” and is a naturally choice to protect the QB

Jason Kerr

Never has a bloke had more a NFL ready nickname then Jason Kerr. Fuss K Bubba was made for this game, has the size, wears bling and has put over 1000 hours into Madden 2010 on the play station

Geoff Allen

Nudgey has lived his life on the front line be it at the NBCCC, work or on the front line of one of Woodys tirades.


Dave Beattie

The centre controls the ball for the QB pre snap. So this requires some co-ordination but they also require size as they’re also on the front line. Since Dave has retired from all sports and given he has a carb centric diet (the 3 P’s Pizza, Pasta, Parmas) he now has the frame of a Linesman

Special Teams

Punt Returner

Simon Datson

Clearly a good choice for this position as he’s lightning, can catch and has proven to be clutch in big moments. However…….


Anthony Schaepman

Based on his deteriorating size he can only play this role as it’s the only role he wont break if half if he gets touched


Willie McKenzie

Got the tough job of holding the ball for the kicker. Big role but not sure he’s up to it.

Note: If he gets cut from the squad he can play in the big band that plays pregame


Andrew Brown

If anyone has seen him bowl they can never question his ability to get hang time. Has been seen showcasing his silky skills with a footy, hopefully he can translate this.



The safety’s role is to sit off the back and clean up any player that gets past the Defensive line.

Marcus Hyde

Has a poster of Nick Maxwell on his wall… So rates blokes who read the play well and shows leadership. Whilst Hydey does neither of these it would be harsh not to put him into this position

David Peake

Speed is his friend. He is also quite quick which help his ability to cover wide receivers


Pete Crowle

Pistol has a hidden dirty side and would love ending a sneaky receivers day.

Andrew Wolfmeyer

Good cornerbacks are a little crazy and love to trash talk opponents. Wolfy fits this criteria.

Middle Linebacker / Nickleback

Julian Georgiou

Doolz has no issues getting dirty and amongst it. Ironically Nickleback is his favourite band so this position is very suitable.

Strong Safety

Lawrence Lathouras

Lozza from his days at Swinburne reads the play well and prepared to take the big hits. For example a 150kg full forward fell on Lozzas head

Pass Rusher

Jason Caine

He’s a proven lunatic, I can picture him loving northing more then breaking through the line and crushing the QB. This would be followed up by a crude dance celebrating the accomplishment

Note: CK Prowse have all these same characteristics

Left Tackle

Justin Dessent

They don’t call him the Darnum destroyer for no reason. This crude young man is built for a defensive role, however the NFL has recently adopted a 0 tolerance on swearing and could find Rusty in trouble.

Right Tackle

Michael McInerney

This big framed unit is trained in martial arts. I wouldn’t want to be on the front line against him.


Justin Cheesewright two years ago you could argue he might have been a sprightly receiver….. He’s now found on the Defensive Line

Nose Tackle

Matthew Knott

Is the big guy on the defensive line, his job is to keep the line together and sack the QB. Not noted for his sideways movement (eg when he used to be a wicket keeper) this role only requires him to run straight.


Martin Beattie

Final spot on the defensive line and one of his role is to put off the QB. One technique Marty will use is unleashing his infamous gas.

Coaching Staff


Simon Kann aka Coach K. Such was his ability the coach of Americas Dream Team stole his nickname

Offensive Co-Ordindator

Mark Gallichio

No one has researched trick plays like Mark. Be ready to see a lot of Wildcat formations this season

Defensive Co-Ordinator

Daryl Gove

Washed up and retired he’s decided to take a cruisey job on the sidelines.

Special Teams Co-Ordinator

Craig Miles

My best bet to unite the misfits we have on special teams

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